Chat Room Racism?

The other day while I was in a trans social media chat room someone commented on the passing of Muhammad Ali. Since this was within a few days there was nothing unusual about a comment on this subject. What was unusual is that this person was either stupid or looking for trouble. Let me explain, he commented that he didn't care for Ali, as many people do and he sited his reasons. He said he didn't like him because he was a draft dodger and a black Muslim. He also questioned his character referring to the story where Ali supposedly threw his Olympic gold medal into a river. He also said that Ali was a hypocrite because after tossing the medal, later in life he accepted to light the torch at the opening of the Olympics.

I knew immediately that he had made a grave error and would no doubt be trashed in short order - which he was. The reason I knew is because of the politically correct society we live in today. Although you have the right to speak your mind you also have the right to be verbally attacked if your views do not conform the with the current climate of society. His views did not fit what is PC today, plus let's face it even the lowest of celebrities suddenly become more popular once they die. In this case he was labelled as a racist instead of not just liking Ali because of the previous reasons. Even though he gave what he thought were valid reasons, the issue immediately turned into a racial one.

It appeared to me at least that if it had been, just say Jake LaMotta (Raging Bull), a famous and popular white boxer from the forties that there would have been no problem because the reasons for the dislike were clearly stated and racism would never come up, even if the person making the statement was black. If the person that said he didn't like Ali had not stated his reasons then I could see some comments about racism. So I concluded that at least in this chat room that a white person cannot say anything negative about a black person without being labeled a racist. If we are truly equal then we should be able to say we don't like someone of another race without necessarily being a racist.

Now the two things are not mutually exclusive and perhaps this individual was indeed a racist. But to label a person for these reasons is fundamentally flawed but accepted because of the current state of things in this country today. I also noticed how fast so many piled on in order to inflict maximum damage to this individual who merely stated his opinion. I could see him being asked if he was a racist and he was and replied that he was not and pointed out his reasons again. However, it was too late and he was branded as a hater as I knew he would. Although this was a chat room with approximately 300 people in it I think it represents enough people to gauge the barometer of society.

So by these standards all white people have to like all black people, no matter what kind of person they are or else they are a racist. This is a double sided coin however and this also means that all black people have to like all white people or they are also racists. Of course this is absurd but this is the society we live in today. As long as you are politically correct you not only have the right to give your opinion but you can count on the PC zombies to defend you in the name of the greater good of course. If you choose to disagree with them  you do so at your own risk. Now please notice that I have not rendered my opinion as to whether he was a racist or not, nor will I since this is not the point I'm trying to make.

No matter what I think I believe that this guy should have been given the benefit of the doubt here. He did give valid reasons, and he also stated he was not a racist. So in the eyes of the PC crowd he was guilty because Ali just happened to be black. Does me not condemning this guy also mean that I'm a racist, well of course not but many would perceive me as such because I didn't jump on the bandwagon. Ali was a controversial person back in the 1960's and many people didn't like him for many reasons, among them in some cases, racism.

No matter what my opinion is I had enough sense to just sit back and watch the brawl. There are a few things I won't discuss in these chat rooms such as politics, racism and I find myself not to be particularly PC. There are plenty of other forums out there to discuss controversial topics that are designed to do just that so the atmosphere is different in that it takes place in a different setting. Lets face facts, no race is immune to hate as it has always been and I don't see this changing anytime in the near future. Personally I think that this will exist until the there is no such thing as races because we will all be the same one because of the unstoppable blending of the races which we see gaining momentum.

What do you think, was he a racist based on what I told you, was he treated fairly and where do you weigh in on this incident? Unlike what happened in the chat room I personally would recognize any reasonable opinion that was based on  fact and not just a knee jerk reaction. I may not agree with you but that's ok, right? This is by far the most controversial thing I have written and it all depends on the readers reactions if I will visit these kinds of topics again.

Chat Room Poetry

Here are a few poems I wrote that were inspired by experiences in transgendered chat rooms. If you have ever been in one you may be able to relate some of them and if you haven't my thoughts came from real situations so you can still get a feel for the story. Of course I have used a little poetic license in them and the names have been changed so go ahead and enjoy them.



Private Messages


Private messages are fast & easy but they tend to attract the sleazy.
Reaching their hand up my dress so they no longer have to guess.
Desperately wanting to change who I am so I can be the girl for them.

Yes I've been around the block before but don't treat me like a whore.
I know who I am and where I'm going all without you ever knowing.
And just because my lips are red doesn't mean I want to jump in bed.

Perhaps it's me and I don't know but I think that it's time for you to go.
Most of them don't last to long because they all sing the same old song.
If there's a next time & you show respect maybe it will be like you expect.



Trolls


Some of them like the way I look saying I'm so hot I make them cook.
But I can't help it if they love my lips or the look of my shapely hips.
And just because of the way I look they think they know me like a book.

Crude & rude is their game as they call me a nasty name.
Verbal abuse is in the air and you can bet they don't even care.
Lower the lights, they'll appear and get your hand off my rear.

Please show me this and show me that, but my mind is where it's at.
They're trolling along looking for me and anyone else they may see.
I'm just an old girl doing her best to separate herself from the rest.



Fishing


I turn on my cam as I cast out my line knowing it's just a matter of time.
Then all of a sudden you are there running your hand through my hair.
As a rule they're fairly easy to fool even if some of them are not so cool.
It's all about the presentation if they are to accept my disguised invitation.
A little wiggle here, a little flash there and pretty soon they don't even care.
Once again they fell for my deception because they have no conception.
After some play I'll have my way as I add another easy catch to my day.

Getting Started

I often am asked how I got started dressing to end up where I am today. Let me say that it didn't happen overnight and one day I woke up and said, hmm...I want to wear women's clothes today. It actually started long before I ever put on lipstick or a bra, back to when I was a young child. At the time these incidents meant basically nothing since I was to young to appreciate their true meaning.


The first things that I can remember that I later learned were significant were as follows. When I was about five years old my parents used to have friends over on Friday nights to play cards and socialize. My sister and I used to watch since it was something different to do. All of the women used to wear a lot of makeup, although not like a street walker, it was noticeable none the less. I can remember staring at them with their makeup on and being entranced with them.

At the time of course I didn't know why and a few years later when I was a little older and thought about this I just figured I thought they were pretty and that answered that. Another thing I can remember at about the same time involved of all things, a Looney Tunes cartoon. Everyone about my age remembers them, Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, and so on. One particular episode had Elmer Fudd in drag but I can't remember why. He looked just like a woman with all of the makeup, a dress, wig, heels and a womanly figure to boot. I once again found myself strangely attracted to him.

Again I just thought he looked pretty but it stuck in my mind just like my parents female friends with their makeup. There were other things too such as when I was very young I used to be able to push my penis up inside me and I liked it although it was years later until I realized why I liked it. When I hit puberty I still remembered these things and rationalized them as me just thinking they were attractive or hot if you will. By the time I was fourteen I had a girlfriend and led a normal, well adjusted life or so I thought.

When I was about eighteen all this would change when one day when no one was home I was walking through my parents bedroom to look out the front window when on the way back I noticed a tube of lipstick on her dresser. I stopped and looked at it but didn't know why. I picked it up and opened it and was staring at it thinking how pretty it looked.

Then something came over me and since no one was home I looked in the mirror and tried it on. I loved everything about it, not only how it felt and looked but also how it made me feel. I looked at myself for a few minutes before I started to feel guilty and washed it off. In the following days and weeks I was thinking about it, although I was not obsessed, it was a fairly common thought. A short time after that the opportunity presented itself again.

This time in addition to the lipstick I tried some of her blush so I had nice rosy cheeks. I lit a cigarette and started to masturbate while watching in the mirror. This really excited me and it didn't take long before I was finished. Over the next year or so I started to use different kinds of makeup and even found an old wig in the back of a closet. My look was crude because of my inexperience but to me it looked sexy. Back then this was just a sexual thing and I never thought it was anything more, or perhaps that is just what I told myself.

By the time I was in my early twenties I was starting to dress more often and feminine thoughts were running through my mind more often. Then one summer I had a life changing experience that changed me forever. You can read about it in "Summer of Love". At that point dressing and feminine thoughts were making up an increasing part of my life. By the time I reached my early thirties my view on all of this was changing.

I started to become more concerned with looking passable and natural vs sexy or hot. The two are not mutually exclusive as I have found out over the years. As I have gotten older I realized it is not about that I like the way that I look but it's the way I feel inside being brought out to what I see in the mirror. When I realized I was trans gendered (see the story titled the same), everything in my life, including my dressing and femininity made sense.

My look continues to evolve as I do but I like to dress age appropriately so I can go out and blend in as much as possible. I almost forgot to tell you of course my body is shaven and I do my nails and eyebrows. I must be doing something right with the positive comments I receive in chat rooms. I do not consider this "dressing"  since this is the way I'm supposed to look anyway? Thanks for taking a walk down memory lane with me I hope you enjoyed it.

The Devil Made Me Do It

This incident happened to me about twelve years ago with someone I met in an AOL chat room. This was before I found my niche and started to date just men. She was a cross dresser about my age that lived about 8 miles from me. In my experiences online it doesn't get much closer than this. We seemed to have a lot in common after chatting a few times. Pictures were also exchanged and it seemed like we were becoming friends even if at this point online only.

After a few months of weekly contact I realized that it was very possible we would meet in person. We were both being cautious and it seemed like we both had taken reasonable precautions leading up to a meeting. Soon after we agreed to meet on a Saturday night at his (her) apartment. He lived with his girlfriend but she would be out of town that weekend, plus she knew about his cross dressing and our date. She previously had a few lesbian experiences over the years so she understood.

In my search for as much information I could gather about her I specifically asked more  than one occasion if there were any fetishes or unusual behavior I should know about and I was told she was being fully honest with me, as was I. Being the cautious type I figured could only work in my favor and those who were impatient with me over the years were free to move along, and did.

When I arrived she was already dressed and looked pretty good, much like the pictures she provided to me previously. That put me somewhat at ease since I knew then that the pictures were indeed real so why not the other stuff? We briefly exchanged a short kiss and I was directed to the bedroom to change. I wore thigh highs with a garter and matching panties and bra with my silicone breast forms. Also, a silky slip with a blonde wig, full makeup, heels, and jewelry.

She liked the way I looked and at that point I knew that this would go beyond just dressing. I noticed that the lights were very dim in her apartment but I just chalked it up to her trying to be romantic and didn't give it a second thought. We went on her computer to the chat room where we met and since there were no web cam supports in these rooms we took some pics of us and sent them to some of the people in the room.

We were the talk of the room when we sent one of us kissing and their speculation ran wild. We smoked a joint or two and eventually retired to the living room, I assumed for some more conversation. I was sitting on a chair when she walked over to me, raised her lingerie to show me her cock. She asked me if this is want I wanted and I knew that it was as I started to rub her slowly. I couldn't wait so I took her into my mouth so I could feel her get hard in my mouth.

This is kind of a thing with me and I have always loved it. I ended up on my knees, another preference with me, and did her until I felt her cumming in my mouth. We kissed and then she lead me over to the couch when she started to lick my balls. By the time she took me in her mouth I was already hard. She had obviously done this before and she sucked me dry in about five minutes. We then sat back and had a drink, smoked another joint and just talked for a while.

She then told me that she could get hard again in about ten minutes and since she was a top and I was a bottom, asked if she could fuck me. To make a long story short I let her and she preferred doggy style. She wasn't huge and was gentle so it was a very pleasant experience which had me moaning with pleasure. When she was done she even cleaned me up which was a nice touch.

This had been a great night so far and I thought that perhaps I had found a girl friend. However, all that would change when she asked if she minded if she turned up the lights to take some more pictures. Of course I didn't mind but what I saw left me in a state of shock. If you recall I did notice the low lights but at the time couldn't appreciate why assuming it was for romantic reasons.

On the tables, speakers and shelves were small statues of the devil. You know, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, they were everywhere. Of course I was shocked as would most people I would imagine. All the while she was looking at me to see what my reaction was going to be. So now the situation had changed dramatically and I had to think quickly. Although it was weird it didn't feel physically threatened in any way.

Of course I asked for an explanation once the shock and awe factor wore off. She said she was sorry but really liked me and thought if she told me that I wouldn't go through with it, she was probably correct. She assured me that there are no animal sacrifices or anything like that but just a meeting a few times a year. Even so it was not only shocking and disturbing, but perhaps the worst of all, highly deceptive.

In our chats I specifically asked about things such as this and was assured multiple times she was being honest with me. I think this is what bothered me the most but it was all so fresh that I thought I should just exit gracefully and have some time to digest what had just happened. I left shortly without incident and as far as she was concerned, though we parted on good terms.

The next day I was feeling ashamed, confused and guilty. My emotions were still running high and my overall conclusion was that although I wasn't necessarily afraid of the devil as an entity it was disturbing that someone would be into something that represented evil. Also she was highly deceptive about this and as I previously mentioned, this may have bothered me the most.

She emailed me the next day and I should have waited a few days to cool down before I replied. But I didn't and as a result my reply was a scathing rant that really put it too her. She acted surprised and thought we parted on good terms and that's exactly what I wanted in order to get out of there with the least chance of a problem. Plus, could I really believe anything she told me anymore?

Few things in life truly catch me completely off guard but this is one of them that did. I am not a religious person although I did go to Catholic grade school where the nuns instilled a sense of fear in me much more than the devil ever did. All in all it didn't seem like this was something I should continue to pursue and never had contact with her again. Perhaps next time I need to do a thorough background check.

I had never met a Satanist before and once was enough for me. Being trans it is important to me that people understand and consider my situation and I afford her the same. Not a direct comparison however since what she is was a conscious choice while mine wasn't. I guess it's the differences in people that makes the world go around. This is one of the more bizarre of my experiences but certainly not the only one, stay tuned.

House Party

Although this took place a long time ago, the memory is still fresh in my mind. I have many memories relating to my evolution as a trans girl when I think about it, many of them probably interesting to say the least. The situation was I was invited to a house party as Donna and would be my first such outing. I would know a few people but most of them I wouldn't so it seemed like a good opportunity to meet other people with similar interests.

I arrived maxed out with a short skirt, breast forms with a tight top, stockings, panties, bra, blonde wig, heels, jewelry and full makeup. I had a female friend do my makeup and it looked much better than I could have achieved at that time. I was dressed to kill and was in an adventurous mood and looking to have some fun. The house was large and it was a good thing because there were more people there than I expected.

Looking around I noticed a t girl friend of mine that had invited me so I walked over and we exchanges a brief cheek kiss and a hug, after all we didn't want to muss our lipstick. She said that she wanted to introduce me to some people she met a few months ago that I may be interested in and that two of the guys were really good looking and wanted to meet me. Who am I to argue and so I told her to lead the way.

We made our way to the other side of the room where they were hanging out and we exchanged introductions. They were both good looking guys but I almost passed out when one of them I knew from high school where he was a football jock. His name confirmed that he was indeed the person I thought he was. I remained calm however and acted like there was nothing wrong and that I had just met him. When he asked if we had met before I admittedly got a little nervous since I wasn't fully "out" at the time.

Immediately I  said that we hadn't met before but he still said I looked familiar. Quickly changing the subject we were able to move on without incident. Talking about those moments where your heart was in your throat, this was indeed one of them. With that being over with I wanted to know why this good looking, ex-football jock was here at a trans party. It turns out that he had an experience with a trans girl last year, liked it and was looking to hook up again to explore this further.

He asked me some questions about myself and I had to provide some false answers in order to keep my secret safe. The four of us then indulged in some weed one of the guys had brought to the party. Figuring by now that I had gotten away with it I was finally able to relax and start to enjoy my evening. I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I came back my girlfriend told me the football jock was asking about me and if she thought I may be interested in him?

I noticed him watching us as we talked and I just faintly smiled and continued my conversation as if I wasn't interested at all. However, I was but there was no need to let him know that, just not yet. By now I could see the look of doubt on his face and I thought how cool was this, I had the high school football star wanting me. After they had suffered enough my girl friend waved them over to end their anxiety, finally. I guess it's a girl thing but we really enjoyed making them wait, as they should have.

My g/f agreed to take care of his friend who was also very attractive so she had no problem helping the situation. I knew I could be in for a treat because his name was Ben and in school they called him Big Ben and it wasn't because he was tall. He asked if we were cool and I slipped my arm around his waist and replied yes. Now my heart was starting to beat faster with excitement in anticipation of the rest of the night. The four of us made our way over to a couch where, since of the lack of room, I sat on his lap.

He put his arms around me and his muscles turned me on. We were all partying and laughing, passing around a joint and doing shots. I noticed he had a funny look on his face so I asked him what was wrong? He said he was embarrassed to say but then I realized what his problem was as I smiled at him. I could feel his manhood starting to poke my leg and realized why they called him Big Ben.

I leaned in and we exchanged a brief kiss as I could feel him getting harder on my leg. He then whispered and asked me if I wanted to go into one of the bedrooms and I agreed. Then I took him by the hand and lead him to the promised land, ha ha. We tried the first one but it occupied by of all people, my g/f and Ben's friend. I excused us but the guys wanted to do this together, it must be a male thing because I don't get it.

Ben and I started making out on one of the beds as we could hear the other two getting busy already since we had interrupted them. The slurping and sucking noises only heightened our senses and I reached down and undid his pants. I pulled them down and got my first good look at him and he was truly huge. He must of seen the look on my face because he asked me if I liked it? I didn't reply but asked him to move to the edge of the bed and sit up because I wanted to do him on my knees.

It seemed like I could only fit a small bit of him into my mouth but I was obviously doing a good job by the way he was reacting. I looked up as my head bobbed back and forth and saw him watching my red lips slowly sliding up and down on his ample shaft. The thrill of such a large cock in my mouth is difficult to describe other that is was exhilarating. I reached over and started playing with his balls which drove him wild.

Things were going along nicely when we heard his friend cumming in the bed next to ours and as glanced over I saw my g/f getting a full facial with a big smile on her face. I continued to work on Ben when I noticed the other two were watching us. I liked having an audience and proceeded to deep throat him or at least the best I could do. He had me going for at least fifteen minutes when I knew the end was near.

He wasn't quiet about it as his hot nectar squirted into my open mouth and covered my red lips. His load was as big as his cock and it surprised me since I was young and relatively inexperienced. He then fell back on the bed and was breathing like he just ran a marathon. I excused myself and went onto the bathroom to clean up and fix my makeup, of course. When I got back he was still laying on the bed but with his pants on and I could still see the bulge in his pants.

He gave me his phone number and a little later when I was leaving he offered to walk me to my car. I bid my farewells and we left. We kissed before I got in and he said that he wanted to see me again so please call him which I intended on doing. As I was pulling away he asked me to stop and when I did he leaned in and kissed me again and said,  I remember you from high school!

He turned suddenly before I could reply and literally ran away. I was left sitting there with my mouth open in sheer shock. I sat there for a few minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I never did call him or saw him again even though I heard through the grapevine that we wanted to talk to me but it never happened.

This couldn't have just happened or could it? What I mean is was this a personal experience or a complete fabrication of my obviously sick mind. Of course there's a third choice with a mixture of both blended into one story, I guess you'll never know, have a nice day.

Chat Rooms

I guess I have been online now for fifteen years now and was somewhat behind in getting connected. For the first time there were social chat rooms for trans type people on the two big players at the time, remember this was dial up but they were Aol & Yahoo. All of my experiences took place in the Aol rooms, of which there were three official ones. These were social chat rooms, not forums or support groups. Although these did exist, that's not what we're talking about here.



These three rooms were unlike any before that I was aware of, so a completely new experience for myself and many others. By today's standards they were obsolete at best. Holding a maximum of 36 people at a time and no web cam support, they still were the best thing around. Also, there were no moderators so the rhetoric could often get out of control. You could block the person from contacting you but they would still be free to attack you in the main room although you could not see anything they said once blocked.



For extreme situations you could notify aol and show them the offensive material via copy and paste. If warranted they would take various appropriate steps including banning you from the rooms. I have had one aol screen name  locked because of questionable behavior. Although the rooms were small the action was quite varied and interesting, with more people that were local to me than one might think. Just as it is today if you had a complete profile and some pics it went a long way as far as the number of people you could meet.



This was even more important back then since it took place before web cam support. The more pics the better, but even a few helped. Just as today you could chat in the main or as they called it in those days, instant message someone. This feature is exactly the same as today minus the cam support . As I said previously, the rooms were rocking considering the limited number of people allowed in at a time.



There's some background for you, now let's talk about some of my actual experiences in the Aol rooms. With the small room size it was much easier to get to know most people that were regulars but of course there were always people passing through that you didn't know. I had no problems chatting in the main room which helped people recognize me. In the main room I have heard comments which run the gamut from you're beautiful to you're ugly.



Just as today there were always people with a chip on their shoulder that were more than happy to pick a fight with you. Contrary to what you may think, most of these people were cross dressers. One incident in particular comes to mind, where I had made the statement " I hate male clothes". Innocent enough, not harming anyone or any group, etc., a completely benign statement don't you think?



Well perhaps not, after all these years I still remember this cross dressers name, it was Sue with some long forgotten numbers after her name. In the main room she said that, and I quote, "I see Donna is an equal opportunity hater". Of course I questioned her on this and that is where I made my mistake. I can hold my own verbally with most people and that wasn't the problem. The issue was that while I was looking for non confrontational fun she was looking to argue with someone.



She attempted to turn the room against me stating that since I hate male clothes I hate many other things. She seemed to be off of her medication as I pointed out to everyone.
While her stance was designed to hurt someone, no doubt to inflate her sagging ego, my replies were sarcastic and well, witty. Of course there were some zombie followers who smelled blood in the water and jumped on her bandwagon.



At this point there was no way I was going to cut and run. Eventually the situation ran it's course or perhaps Sue's meds finally kicked in. Be that as it may I held my ground against the room bully and came out unscathed. The really interesting stories however, come from as they called them back then, instant messages. Some of this gets disgusting so if you have a weak stomach perhaps you should stop here.



As I always say, instant messages are fast and easy but I've found they attract the sleazy. And let me tell you, these stories will prove it. I'll start off with the fetish of bodily functions, although I get ones like foot, legs, boobs, etc., I cannot even begin to understand what's going wrong inside these peoples heads. Although I'd never thought I'd say this, I am glad this was before web cams, because they're wonderful.



So here I am, sitting in front of my computer, as Donna of course, engaging in some conversation in the main room. I get a message from a "Yellow69", and he wants to converse with me. After he dispenses about how hot my pics look and such he gets to the heart of the matter. He wants to pleasure himself while drinking his own urine. My part you ask, well he wanted to instruct me fairly specifically as to what to say with me filling in with some literary embellishments if you will.



Although I am not into this, condone it or claim to understand it, I was curious. Yes, I could have simply blocked him but I had to see if stories like this were real or just urban legends. Now, I am no fool and without a web cam I could not verify what he said he was doing was true or not, after all - it's the internet. I expressed my concerns about him being full of shit and he was quick with the best solution available at that time. He suggested he send me pics of him treating his body like an amusement park while drinking his urine.



He had obviously done this before because in the background of his pics was a wall clock that showed the time and date. This guy was a real multi-tasker, he was taking pics, flogging himself, typing and pissing in a cup and yes  -  drinking it. I was laughing my ass off because I was getting these pics fast, not quite real time of course but perhaps one a minute. This was the most disgusting thing I had ever been a part of up to that point, but this would be topped a few months later.



The scenario was similar but even more disgusting as you will see. This story is about the strange and disgusting fetish of Coprophagia, go ahead I'll give you a moment while you look it up. Now that you know what it is I can tell you it is similar to the first story except substitute the liquid with the solid. Yes, let's get it out there, this guy liked eating poo! Once again this guy had a specific routine he wanted me to follow and although I found this utterly disgusting, I just had to know.



The pictures these two disturbed individuals provided are gone forever since the computer they were on hard drive crashed and burned, perhaps it's for the best. My final one from the Aol days is something completely different as you will see. This one has to do with the strange condition known as Zoophilia, perhaps you can figure this one out yourself. If you can't it means having sex with animals.



In this case it was dogs and to be more specific, German Shepherds. Once again pics were provided which showed a guy, supposedly him, having sex with a shepherd. This one was more difficult to verify since the pics he sent were not semi real time as the others were. This one was a little different in that he wanted to role play me catching him having sex with the family dog.



Of course I went along because I guess I enjoy the entertainment value these perverts provide me with. I am interested in the darker side of humanity and these freaks were prime examples of that. These are the best of the worst although there were others. I must admit that I have never since these incidents run into people like this and hope I never do since my curiosity was more than satisfied.



In wrapping up the Aol days there were four people I met online in Aol that I actually ended up meeting in person. Three of the four went very well and the one that didn't is a subject of its own. Now I'm going to fast forward to today and the newer chat rooms with web cam support and much larger capacity to handle hundreds of people at a time. The addition of the cams along with the humungous room sizes makes for a new and different type of experience.



First let me say that up to this point I have not encountered anything like I did on Aol, I suspect that these weirdoes have found their own dark corner of the internet. There is a distinct difference in the number of messages I get if I have my web cam turned on. This does present somewhat of a problem occasionally dealing with it all at once. But I guess I do like the attention and I have met some nice people.



I know you may have heard this before but it's not always easy being transgendered, even in chat rooms specifically catering to such. There are not as many individual incidents that stand out but there are many more sometimes rude and or vulgar attempts to date me or have cam sex with me. Now I'm no angel but I do have values and morals and am not another chat room slut.



Most of the time I just enjoy interesting conversation about almost anything other than sex in any form. I have found that most of the "girls" in the room are not that way. I am not judging them but just making an observation as I see it. Also part of it may be that I have changed as far as what I want out of these experiences. After some thought I realized that my reputation in these rooms mattered to me much more than it did on Aol.



There are some things that are new with the cam addition. One of them being the private message that starts out, can you see my cam? Often but not always, these are men in their twenties and can be quite aggressive at times. After a few misguided views of their cams it turned out to be be more often than not, their manhood in all it's glory.



It didn't take to many of them before I picked up on this pattern and I found that my refusing to look at their cam pissed them off. They would try almost anything to get me to look but I enjoyed the not looking game to much. As a result of this and similar things I now refuse to look at anyone's private cam unless I already know them and insist if they want me to look to put their cam on in the main room.



Just like on Aol I still encounter the occasional cross dresser, transsexual, etc. that verbally assault me for no apparent reason. Although this is never pleasant I am used to it by now and it is just the nature of the beast. The positive conversations outweigh the negative ones just in case you were thinking why do I bother at all. Sometimes I hear from beginning cross dressers that want me to mentor them online. Although it is flattering, I really don't have either the time or inclination to do so.



There is one incident however that stands out and I will never forget it. It was on a Friday night and I was on one of these web sites with my camera on. I was contacted via private message from a person who's profile said they were a transsexual but he insisted he was a male. I said no thank you to chatting with him and that didn't sit well with him at all. At that point he started to verbally assault me and his rhetoric was not only disgusting but it was obvious that if given the opportunity, would hurt me physically.



Now I was considering blocking him because although I didn't reply to any of his comments he was persisting even after I would close the conversation manually. He would just message me again and pick up where he left off. Right before I blocked him I thought I would look to see if he had a camera. To my surprise, he did so I clicked on it. Keep in mind that this was the room cam, not a private one.



What I saw was unlike anyone else's cam I have ever seen. The view was of the rooms main chat screen in real time. After about 30 seconds the view changed to another room's main chat screen for 30 seconds. This continued until it showed most of the chat rooms on this particular web site. Various other transsexual images would appear for 30 seconds and move on to the next image, so I think you get the general idea here.



He was still messaging me but I wasn't paying much attention to that since I was almost mesmerized by his highly unusual cam. The part is coming up that not only shocked me, but combined with his rhetoric actually scared me some. I was watching his cam when the view changed to a close up screen of his private message to me. I must admit that this did bother me some, until the view changed to the next one after 30 seconds.



I saw a close up view of a woman on his camera and I thought to myself, oh she's cute. Now this is all happening in seconds so I suddenly realized that it was me! I checked the name in the corner of the cam to confirm what I couldn't possibly be seeing. This was totally unexpected and I admit, caught me off guard. It also scared me because it was so sudden and unexpected.



It was like seeing yourself on live tv, which I had never done before. Although in a dark way it was flattering, I still had a sense of my personal space being violated. This pervert had made me part of his trannsexual kaleidoscope without my permission and I didn't like it. Before I could dwell on it the view changed again to something else, to what I don't recall but at least it had nothing to do with me.



At that point I didn't close his cam and didn't block him because I wanted to see if this would repeat itself on this night and other nights before I decided on a course of action. Eventually my image appeared again that night so I knew that this is the way it was going to be, at least on that night. Thankfully he stopped with the abusive language and went away although his cam remained on for another hour.



I thought perhaps that I was overreacting because after all it's just the internet. That may be so but how many murders, rapes, etc., can trace their origins back to Craig's List? Then I received a few private messages from people that I didn't even know asking me if I saw his camera, when I said yes they also said that this was a troubling incident and that I should report it to the moderators.



As a result of this I came up with this term to describe what happened to me, I call it "internet video stalking" and everyone I talked to about it said it fit situation to a tee. This was not as gross as the Aol stories but it was much more disturbing to me because I kind of knew what to expect when dealing with the poo & pee guys but this was so sudden and unexpected. I think the military term for it is "shock & awe".



I have seen him in the room with his cam on since then but as of yet I have not been included in his side show. Hopefully this was an isolated incident and will not repeat itself.  Once I thought about it I was more rational about the incident but none the less it is something that I will never forget. The only positive thing about this was that I looked pretty good on tv for an old lady.



I have also found that most people have their own pre-conceived notions about me. They think they know what I'm about and approach me in ways that are, well - less than smooth let's say. I've found that it's best to be honest with them as soon as they become inappropriate to nip it in the bud. Some get it and show a little respect but most of them will press their agenda for a while and give up.



I'd like to wrap this up on a positive note by saying that I have met some nice people, both in person and on the net that I originally met in chat rooms. The internet and these rooms opens things up tremendously for trans girls like me. A certain amount of friction is to be expected in chat rooms but if nothing else, they have provided me with many experiences that are memorable for one reason or another.

Transgendered

 

trans·gen·der

transˈjendər,tranzˈjendər/

adjective

adjective: transgendered

1. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender.

    

Transgender people are people who have a gender identity, or gender expression, that differs from their assigned sex.^[



This entry deals with the category of people that I have been clinically assigned to by various methods. Among them being sessions with a gender counselor as well as numerous online tests and evaluations. In addition to this there have been many comments online from various people that have come to the same conclusion. Plus, I know how I feel inside the other things just confirmed what I already knew.

For the masses, they do not see or understand the difference between being a cross dresser (transvestite) and transgendered. These terms seem to be interchanged regularly but there is a distinct difference. Cross dressers or transvestites are not necessarily transgendered, sound confusing?, well perhaps I can clear this up for you.

In my experience most cross dressers are not transgendered but all the male to female transgendered people I know or have met were or are cross dressers. I have found that cross dressers are often men who are married or have girl friends but occasionally enjoy dressing up as a woman. This is usually a sexual or fetish related situation that once the cross dressing is over and they have satisfied themselves that they go back to their normal male life.

For years this is what I thought I was and nothing more than that. A situation that seems to occur more often than you may suspect. I lived most of my life as a cross dresser not realizing that I was indeed transgendered. Over time I accepted and had no problem with my cross dressing as it was just an occasional thing that did not interfere with my normal life. It wasn't until many years later that I suspected something else may be going on.

What you are about to read happened slowly over decades so it was a journey rather than an epiphany. It was such a slow and natural thing that it mostly went by unnoticed. However, over these years I found I was dressing more often than in the past. Adding additional types of makeup and women's attire until I looked as feminine as possible based in the knowledge I had at the time.

In addition to the above I also started wearing wigs, breast forms, jewelry and everything feminine. This went ever further when I started shaving my body, doing my eyebrows and letting my nails grow longer. Although I did realize this was happening I never thought about stopping it or that it was wrong. To tell you the truth I didn't really think about it, just went with the flow if you will.

While this was going on, feminine thoughts eventually seemed to have taken over most of my personal thoughts. When I had free time to daydream, It seemed it was always about feminine related topics. Once again, there was no problem, and I didn't over think the issue was still naïve to the point which I had reached was more than about just cross dressing. It was approximately fifteen years ago that I started to think that all of this, essentially my life, wasn't just cross dressing.

There seemed to be to many feminine things about myself and my life that there must be a technical name for this since I new I couldn't be the only one who felt this way. This is when I started to seek answers to these questions I had about myself. The logical place was the internet with it's vast library of knowledge. I googled different terminology for words such as cross dresser, transvestite, transsexual and transgendered.

What I found kind of shocked me when I seemed to fit the bill for being transgendered. I knew that it was more than just cross dressing but was I truly transgendered? Being a person who needs answers to certain questions in order to function properly, I had to look further. My next step was taking various online gender tests and surveys. I found that I consistently scored in the range of probably being trans.

I also am an active member of online social chat rooms and have many interactions via chat and my web cam. I get many comments on my feminine appearance and mannerisms. Keep in mind that all of this felt normal for me and never wanted or tried to change the course of things. If I was indeed trans it would answer a lot of questions about myself and my life. The next step was to see a gender councilor and get an educated, clinical opinion.

I met with her twice, the first time as an introductory session with many questions and both written and oral surveys. After I had completed those we spoke about various things for about an hour or so. She indicated she would like to see me again to give me her opinion and talk further. She also said that if I felt comfortable with it to visit as Donna. Since this was nothing new for me, I agreed.

Of course I dressed age appropriately and conservatively as to not draw attention to myself. I had found when I do this I can largely go out in public without drawing attention, which is a good thing. This was another thing that developed over the years, my ability to be in public and blending in most, but not all of the time. Even so, I was a little nervous in anticipation of her diagnosis.

I felt good when she complimented me on my appearance and could tell that this was not new to me. My mind was racing, was I a cross dresser or was I transgendered? She could tell that I was anxious so she dispensed with the small talk. What I heard although not a shock, still surprised me. In her opinion she said that I was indeed, transgendered. A feeling of euphoria rushed over me that was also a surprise emotion.

She then went into detail about how she came to her conclusion. It was very interesting and many questions that I had for years were answered. My life now seemed to fall into place and I was perfectly accepting and happy about her conclusion. We talked for an additional two hours and she was very helpful with any questions I had in addition to some good advice about various things.

I was told there was no reason to continue these sessions because I was a stable person who has dealt with some tough issues in an admirable way. Of course her door was always open to me and she said I could email her anytime with questions or comments. This took place eleven years ago in 2005 to put it in context.

Today I  totally accept and embrace the person I am. I wouldn't change things even if I had the ability to do so. I have been at peace with myself and feel a sense of comfort that I didn't know existed previously. Considering everything I am quite proud of myself that I've kept it all together where many others have not.

So if you see me online, please treat me with respect because I am entitled to that at a minimum. Talk to me as if you would any woman with morals and values. I think you will find that I am more than just another pretty face and an interesting person. Many will not agree with my lifestyle but the fact remains that I lead a happy, productive life that positively affects the ones who are close to me.

If you were to pin me down as to a single thought, action or incident when I knew something other then cross dressing was going on I would have to say I remember having the profound thought that I didn't want to be with a woman but I wanted to be like them. To the uninformed perhaps they cannot understand how and why I would be this way. To them all I can say is for the same reasons that make them the person that they are.

None of us live this way because it's "cool" or "in" which surprisingly, being transgendered is the darling of the media and the do-gooders that proliferate our society today. I was this way long before it was one of their causes and am quite surprised that we have become their latest focal point. On the other hand all of this draws more attention to us than some of us may want.

I am much more about blending in to society as just another woman than I am making a statement for the cause by saying hey look at me, I'm a trans girl and theirs nothing you can do about it. Since I am a selfish person and care more about living my life as I wish rather than being an activist for the cause. There are plenty of others out there today to do all of that for me anyway.

Being trans is not an act or a fetish but a way of life which cannot be faked. I have thought about hormones and transitioning but at my age this is not practical although desirable. I have settled for a series of supplements and have had some good results with them. When I retire in a year and a half I plan on living 24-7 as Donna and am looking forward to it as each day passes.

If you still don't understand let me just say that I think I am a woman inside in spite of being born a male. I should have been born a female but be that as it may be I still am comfortable with my life as it is. Some say that we're just not wired right and perhaps they're right but I am still a productive member of society that is at peace with herself and her life. I bring something positive to the lives of the people I am close to enhancing their life as well as my own.

Hopefully this helped you understand what's going on under the surface with not only myself but probably many others like me. Please note that this is not a sexual preference issue but a gender identity issue, there is a difference. Many people do not know about or see this key distinction which is important if you are to understand what you just read. So the next time you run into a transgendered person remember that there is much more going on than what you see.

Law & Order

This happened many years ago but I will never forget it and it was a frightening and embarrassing situation. I was in my early twenties and this was one of the first times I was out in public as Donna. You would think that after this it may have been the last time but it wasn't my time plus I can't change how I feel inside. At this time of my life I usually got dressed when I got to my destination since I was still living with my parents which made if difficult to leave the house as Donna.

However, this time was different, my parents were out and no one was home plus it was getting dark so I dressed at home rather than change at my destination which was a house party for tg's and their admirers. I was asked to stop and get a six pack of beer so I stopped at a store not far from the party. I picked up the beer and was standing at the counter to pay when I heard someone beside me say to the clerk, this is a stick up, give me the money and everyone hit the floor.

After I heard this he laughed so I didn't even look and assumed it was a joke and he knew the clerk. But when I saw the look on the clerk's face I knew it was real. I looked to my right and not more than two feet from me was a guy in a stocking mask and had a gun. He looked at me and yelled to get down sucker as I did as instructed. The clerk had his hands up as the robber flipped open the counter to get behind it to the register.

There was a second clerk behind the counter with his back to us stocking a shelf with whiskey. I found out later that he was hard of hearing and did not hear the robber or see him because his back was to him. When the robber flipped the counter top it banged down hard and it startled the second clerk. I guess he was able to hear the bang of the counter top. The clerk, startled, wheeled around and still had a bottle of whiskey in his hand. The perp thought he was going to hit him with it as I heard two distinct, almost cap like sounds from behind the counter.

I heard the clerk grunt and collapse to the floor. He hit with a thud and I could hear him faintly moaning. While all of this was going on I was laying on the floor watching and listening to this going down. At one point I looked to the door and considered making a run for it but there were three problems with this plan. First I was in heels, which I forgot about and not conducive to running. Second, there was another one covering the door and finally, I might get killed.

The robber then ran by me with the money as the one clerk lay dying and moaning in agony. I ran behind the counter and the poor man had a hole in his chest and I could see his heart beating. It took him about five minutes to die and I hope he was in shock and felt no pain and didn't realize what had happened. He slowly drifted off as the state police arrived. It seems that someone saw this going on and had called them.

The police were given the address instead of the caller saying it was Ridge Liquors. The police assumed it was the row houses a few hundred yards down the street. They originally went to the row houses before they turned around and went to the liquor store. By the time they arrived it was just over and the robbers, five in total were gone. I had to stay and answer questions when I realized I was Donna, I had completely forgotten about it during the incident.

Actually, it was a good thing the police originally went to the wrong place or a likely hostage situation could have developed. Who knows what could have transpired if that was the case. Also, even if I survived I would have to live through the embarrassment of being on the news as Donna.

The police were professional and nothing was said or any funny looks from them. They had me there about a half hour before they said I could leave. Visibly and understandably shaken I now had to figure out what I was going to do. Needless to say I didn't feel like going to a party but I couldn't go home like this. I ended up going to the party, got changed and went home. I knew this wasn't over since I had to testify at a trial a few months from then.

The D.A. had briefed me and knew I was Donna at that time and warned me that their lawyer would bring this up in order to discredit my testimony. I was not looking forward to being grilled by this low life lawyer and bringing up I was dressed as a woman in public at the time of the incident. He did bring it up and I calmly said yes and did not elaborate as per the D.A.'s instructions. The defense attorney tried to trash my character but his was stopped by the judge.

The perp had a stocking on his head so I never saw his face. His lawyer asked me how could I say it was his client when he had a mask on? I sarcastically replied that I didn't recall saying I saw his client's face. He didn't like this and asked the judge to treat me as hostile. The D.A. objected to many of his questions and what he got out of me was the truth, I saw a black man about my height, age and weight with a gun kill a man. It was a slam dunk for the prosecution and I don't recall if their were four or five of them but they all got twenty five years to life. By today, they are either out or dead, with the latter being preferred.

It took me a long time to fully recover from this ordeal and it still haunts me to this day. Not only the horror of the incident but getting caught up in this as Donna. Luckily my family never found out about that part of the situation. It changed my outlook on black people and firearms and will not own a gun after I saw what they can do. I'm not saying I'm a racist, which I'm certainly not, but I expect to get a pass on being naturally cautious about them.

Unfortunately I am no stranger to death. Over the years many family members have passed and I saw a man get murdered in cold blood. As you will read in another story, a good friend was tragically killed in an auto accident. But the strong survive and I have dealt with life's issues as well as anyone. This incident was a definite character builder and changed my outlook to this day on certain things. They easily could have made this into a Law & Order episode with someone really good looking playing my part.